:: Introductory paragraphs of selected presidential biographies, amended to include their hypothetical contraction of dysentery ::

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Taken from the official White House web site.

Millard Fillmore (1850-1853) - In his rise from a log cabin to wealth and the White House, Millard Fillmore demonstrated that through methodical industry and some competence an uninspiring man could make the American dream come true, at least until he was crippled by chronic vomiting and fever.

Franklin Pierce (1853-1857) - Franklin Pierce became President at a time of apparent tranquility. The United States, by virtue of the Compromise of 1850, seemed to have weathered its sectional storm. By pursuing the recommendations of southern advisers, Pierce--a New Englander--hoped to prevent still another outbreak of that storm. But his virulent policies, far from preserving calm, hastened the disruption of the Union and inflamed not only the secessional debate, but the lining of his large intestine.

Rutherford B. Hayes (1877-1881) - Beneficiary of the most fiercely disputed election in American history, Rutherford B. Hayes brought to the Executive Mansion dignity, honesty, moderate reform, and rectal prolapse.

Warren G. Harding (1921-1923) - Before his nomination, Warren G. Harding declared, "America's present need is not heroics, but healing; not nostrums, but normalcy; not revolution, but restoration; not agitation, but adjustment; not surgery, but serenity; not the dramatic, but the dispassionate; not experiment, but equipoise; not submergence in internationality, but sustainment in triumphant nationality; not florid feces, but a sanguine stool..."

Posted by morland @ 10:44 AM

:: Comments ::

May I remind you that while hiking in Yellowstone I contracted the worst case of amoebiasis in presidential history? To be perfectly frank, my left lung poured out of my ass on the 11th day of illness, and for a time it was touch and go as to whether I'd make it. Luckily I was in the wildrness and was able to stuff the lung back inside with a fallen pine tree branch.

By the way, Pierce and Fillmore are pussies.

Posted by: Theodor Roosevelt on July 20, 2005 10:29 PM

May I remind you that while hiking in Yellowstone I contracted the worst case of amoebiasis in presidential history? To be perfectly frank, my left lung poured out of my ass on the 11th day of illness, and for a time it was touch and go as to whether I'd make it. Luckily I was in the wildrness and was able to stuff the lung back inside with a fallen pine tree branch.

By the way, Pierce and Fillmore are pussies.

Posted by: Theodore Roosevelt on July 20, 2005 10:30 PM

True, Theodore, Pierce is an astounding pussy. But only you are enough of an idiot to post the same comment twice. I always thought you were retarded.

Posted by: Millard Fillmore on July 20, 2005 10:32 PM

I am not a pussy. The mothers of Presidents Roosevelt and Fillmore will surely be glad to confirm this, as I totally had a nine hour orgy with both of them in my coffin last night.

Burn!

Posted by: Franklin Pierce on July 20, 2005 10:35 PM

I used to think I was retarded and people were just being nice to me by making me the President, but it turns out that everyone else was retarded and I had a big motherfucking stick. Those pussies.

Posted by: Theo Roosevelt on July 21, 2005 12:31 AM

I'll kick your ass, Roosevelt. You definitely are a pussy.

Posted by: Theo Huxtable on July 21, 2005 07:48 PM

Hypothetical my ass! That dysentery was as real as it gets, boy. It made me a man.

Posted by: Rutherford B. Hayes on January 23, 2006 11:59 AM

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