:: When Rufus said that Wild Stallyns' music would align the planets and allow meaningful communication with all forms of life, terrestrial and extra-terrestrial, he was lying and I can prove it because my tapeworm is a prophet. ::

Monday, February 07, 2005

My tapeworm isn't very bright. In fact, it doesn't even have much of a cerebral cortex, at least not in any recognizable form. To say it did would debase much of the animal kingdom. Coiled up, its entire body could rest within the cranium of an average human. Yet it is clairvoyant.

My tapeworm does not have much of a fashion sense. If I counted on it for advice I would not be the dapper man making all the best-dressed lists that I am. Were I to allow my tapeworm to pick out my neckties, I would not have been described as "effusing an almost regal aura... a banana-nut bunt cake in a world of stylistic saltines." But that little* worm tips me off to some important goings-on, and it's always accurate.

My tapeworm cannot fight forest fires. My tapeworm's table manners are best described as boorish. My tapeworm is remarkably inept at Euclidian geometry. My tapeworm has no rhythm. My tapeworm has never found a cartoon from the New Yorker to be "droll", owing partly to the cognitive deficiencies I touched upon above, and also because it has no eyes.

My tapeworm, however, has correctly predicted every winner of the Kentucky state lottery, Fields medal, and Ultimate Fighting Championship since it was but a larva. It perceives the nigh-infinitely complex chain of causality driving forward the course of events as simply as if it were a morsel of food floating through my intestine. Tapey knows the future and the future does not include universal tranquility catalyzed by ass-tastic soft rock.

When Rufus said that Wild Stallyns' music would align the planets and allow meaningful communication with all forms of life, terrestrial and extra-terrestrial, he was lying and I have proved it because my tapeworm is a prophet.

Q.E.D.

Posted by morland @ 04:26 PM

:: Comments ::

Keep doing that, and you'll go blind.

Posted by: on February 7, 2005 06:04 PM

But it feels so good.

Posted by: morland on February 8, 2005 10:43 AM

this is why i missed your blog.

Posted by: on February 8, 2005 01:17 PM

What do you people want? Either berate me for being self-indulgent and pedantic or compliment me for being... self-indulgent and pedantic, but the mixed messages are killing me.

Posted by: morland on February 9, 2005 11:13 AM

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