[business proposition redacted, but the gist is that I was asking them a small favor]

In exchange, I will write you in to the plot of my next blockbuster teen comedy war epic. Your part, played with an "earnest" believability by Ernest Borgnine, will be that of the meddling next-door neighbor and chief naval advisor to the queen who overhears a snippet of dialogue out of context and mistakenly thinks that the protagonist (I have yet to determine whether this will be Amanda Bynes, Hillary Duff, or Lindsay Lohan, though given the success of "Mean Girls", I am leaning towards Lohan) is up to some nefarious deed. Ultimately, QIS realizes the error of its ways and steps in at a moment of need to assist the hero by providing a convenient, if somewhat far-fetched, alibi. It's called "Doctor Pennyfarthing, the Opium Wars, and the Power of Love", and I've allotted a provisional budget of $500 Million, making it the most expensive film ever conceived. Don't worry though, take a look at these numbers! It's a sure money-maker!

Projected take:

Domestic box office: $350 Million
International box office: >$500 Million (huge in Japan)
Product placement: $30 Million (deals with, Burger King, Mountain Dew Code Red, Halliburton)
Revenue sharing from Carnival "Love Doctor" theme Cruises: $5 Million
Exclusive co-branding deal with Schwinn for 21st-century penny-farthing bicycle: $2 Million
DVD sales, rental residuals (global): $100 Million

Focus groups reacted poorly when pitched the original ending, whereby the ship carrying the entire ensemble cast is boarded by Ottoman raiders who mercilessly slaughter the women and children to make belts from their entrails, so I've replaced it with a much less agitating one, where the ship happens upon Gumdrop Island - the sweetest place on earth (TM) - and drops permanent anchor in Caramel Cove.

-morland