:: Passive-aggressive grandstanding ::

Saturday, April 17, 2004

Extroverts puzzle me.

Striking up a conversation apropos of nothing is a skill-set I don't possess. There are dozens of go-to questions that normal, socially-capable people have in their arsenal of small-talk weaponry, whereas I know not where to reach for such an arrow and merely quiver instead (oooh, archery puns).

I can be surprisingly talkative at times, but it requires the flooding of my brain with endorphins to an abnormal extent. Sometimes, all it takes is some sunshine and convivial company. Other times, I have to do self-destructive, dirty things - things I won't be telling my children about.

So why do I have a website where I publicly broadcast my thoughts to the world? Doesn't it contradict my every introverted impulse? On the surface it may seem a pure exercise in masochism (and, if anyone reads it, sadism, considering the quality of what I put here).

A stage actor is different from, say, a television actor. One has to be on point without fail, used to and comfortable with the spotlight, capable of projecting to the distant recesses of the nosebleed seats. The other can use the editing suite as a crutch, need only perform to a camera, and can speak meekly (well... for an actor).

There's a certain fault-tolerance built into the latter profession. There's always time to tweak, over-dub, or even re-shoot. And, not least of all, the audience is unseen. Even speaking to a larger group than you could ever hope to in person, you never have to see their faces. Some reactions trickle back, but those that do are temporally mitigated and manageable - not like the boisterous applause/boos of a crowd (or worse, the chilling silence). It's a nice safety blanket.

So sometimes, even though it's blatant self-delusion, the only way I feel comfortable saying anything is to yell it out into the void and shut the door before anyone can yell back. That way, it's always chilling silence.

Posted by morland @ 07:27 PM

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