My name is Colonel Hubert Von Breckenmeyer IV, and I'm filling in for Morland while he's on safari in Kenya. Such glorious times he must be having! Just yesterday we received a photograph of him posing before a magnificent sunset over the Kalahari, arm-in-arm with Masai tribesmen. Hopefully he can put his violent neo-Marxist rhetoric on the shelf for a few weeks and (for once) refrain from inciting a revolution. Somehow though, I doubt it.

I recall my first meeting with the lad. Back in the 1850's, I was a Lieutenant Second-Grade in the Prussian army, the commander of a lowly garrison on the southern tip of Madagascar. We'd lose shipments of rations occasionally on account of smugglers in the area, but up until my third year stationed there it had been nothing more than a minor inconvenience. That year, however, a shipment of expensive wine earmarked for some visiting dignitaries went missing and to save face I knew the smugglers would have to be dealt with once and for all. My unit lacked the manpower and proper tracking acumen, so I assembled the best bounty-hunters in all of southern Africa. They were a rag-tag bunch of ne'er-do-wells, ruffians, roustabouts, and scallywags, but they knew how to get the job done. One of them in particular caught my eye. He stood well over six feet tall and must have weighed at least twenty stone. He could kill a man faster than he could down a fifth of rum, which was to say in under twenty seconds flat, and boasted frequently of being the first man to best the legendary Houdini himself in a staring contest. I knew then that this man would end my troubles with those pesky thieves.

And I was right! Unfortunately, he was killed in the process. His name was Arturo Clementine, and many years later Morland decided to write a biography of his colorful life, and contacted me for quotes, documents, and various other source materials. We've been friends ever since.

Ah, but enough reminiscing for now. I entreat you to test-enable the enclosed LG VX4500 phone post-haste, and return it to us via expedited delivery (perhaps using this new-fangled "air-mail" I've heard so much about). Hopefully, this shipment will not be intercepted by our mutual foes.

Warmest regards,
Colonel Hubert Von Breckenmeyer IV
Head of Cattle Wrangling / Chief Despotic Officer
Vindigo
[email address removed] (I am answering his email in his stead)
212-xxx-xxxx (likewise with his phone)