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:: Twinpresario ::
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
Last Saturday I caught a rawk show featuring On!Air!Library!.* O!A!L! is a trio, two of which are (hottt, female) identical twins. Many a young hipster lad swooned, dreams of pair-bonding with the Deheza sisters filling their craniums, exerting almost imperceptible pressure on the undersides of their ironic mop-tops.
Falling for musicians isn't new. Whom among us would fail to be smitten by the Joan Jetts, David Bowies, or Lyle Lovetts of the world when they take the stage and blanket us with their charisma and raw sex appeal? But watching the crowd's reaction this weekend, I noticed something different. As the swooners' eyes darted back and forth between the objects of their affection it dawned on me: if the odds of snagging a star can be set at one in a million, this crowd's chances were a considerably better one in 500k.
It is my opinion that the power of irrational hope keeps a good portion of these legions of fans coming back thinking they just might get a backstage pass, a firm nipple-clamping, or a wedding ring. And this power can be multiplied by having identical idols over which to fawn. So what does this amount to? Well, the standard equation for monetizing a musical act looks something like this:
(longing of single fan) x (number of fans) = cash money
But, using any number of identical siblings N, the desperation of a single fan can be multiplexed without losing strength:
N(longing of single fan) x (number of fans) = hella(cash money)^(take it to the bank)
Since N is invariably > 1, this approach will by definition produce more profit.
Other factors come into play as well. Certain demographics are more susceptible (emo guys a.k.a. wimpsters, teen-age girls) than others, so the refined equation might look more like this, where S is the susceptibility of the target group, or "neediness quotient":
SN(longing of single fan) x (number of fans) = ? cash money
One can optionally include the "crossover appeal" modulator C as follows, though we will ignore it for the purposes of this essay:
SN(longing of single fan) x C(number of fans) = ? cash money
It doesn't take Zubin Mehta to figure out that maximizing the number of matching stars to be worshiped, combined with the proper demographic targeting, equals serious pay dirt. I would therefore like to announce my intent to create a boy-band comprised of identical quintuplets which I will raise and train from birth. If that fails, I will clone the singer from Dashboard Confessional.
*This may be the first time I've concluded a sentence by punctuating it with an exclamation mark, a period, and an asterisk - in that order. It won't be the last!.*
Posted by morland @ 02:58 PM
:: Comments ::
I believe your idea was already used to start Hanson
Posted by: Anna on March 24, 2004 07:26 PM
Dude, I never thought I would say this. You have entirely way too much free time to be thinking about shit like this.
Posted by: karen on March 25, 2004 10:20 PM
i think that you're right, morland. these same computations almost got you involved with Elvis Costello.
Posted by: The Guy Who is Probably Moving from Vail on March 27, 2004 08:38 PM
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