Notice contest involving submission of correct answer to author's question via email; prize is ticket to desirable concert on "Sunday" with blog's author.
Arch eyebrows upon seeing that the deadline for the contest is Thursday, and realizing today happens to be Thursday.
Hastily whip together answer.
Email answer to blog's author.
Twiddle thumbs - metaphorically. Try to ignore the specter of failure and humiliation threatening to accompany failure.
Receive reply from blog author / contest administrator informing that the answer submitted was both creative and correct. Begin to smugly congratulate self.
Continue reading reply to find out that "Sunday" referred to this past Sunday, and "Thursday" referred to one week ago, which anyone glancing at the date for the contest posting would have realized. Contest is over, effort was for naught. Enter public embarrassment.
Swivel around in chair, startled to realize the aforementioned specter of failure and humiliation has taken corporeal form as Don Knots.
Endure surprisingly vicious taunting from Mr. Knots. Who knew the guy went for the throat, haranguedly-speaking, like that? Not a punch pulled.
David Cross reviews the hottest, newest video games to hit the market.
Are you in the market for a hot new videogame? Then preorder Hipster Bash, a massively multiplayer online role-playing game that lets you team up - online, in your apartment - with other lonely hipsters across the country. Armed with a magical sneer and a bottle of absinthe, you journey from Los Angeles' Silverlake district to Williamsburg, in Brooklyn, stopping briefly in Chicago's Wicker Park neighborhood. Along the way, you battle other hipster clans à la The Warriors and collect as many Hater pills as possible. Special cheats hidden under your longboard include faux hawks that quickly turn into regular mussed-up hair, the ability to secrete noxious oils from your unwashed skin, and the Hipper-Than-Thou Ray, which blasts opponents with obscure musical references and condescension until they're reduced to a quivering mass of egoless flesh. The group that arrives in Brooklyn with the most disaffected mannerisms wins. Extra feature: Trade in your heroin addiction for cash from your parents!
I mean, making fun of hipsters is like beating Stephen Hawking in a competitive lambada dance-off, but still I have to give kudos for a job well done.
Born Rich, which has been generating a lot of buzz in the entertainment industry, vicarious drooling on the part of aspiring socialites everywhere, and virulent antipathy from some of its subjects, debuts tonight on HBO at 10pm EST.
I wish that EST was an EDT. The chances of leaving work now with even a hint of waning daylight are officially back to zero.
Um, yeah. I guess having students carry mandatory RFID (Radio-Frequency IDentification) tags so their locations can be tracked at all times is a good idea. Whatever could go wrong? After all, they have no right to privacy. Remember when you went to school, and the faculty knew every single thing about your movements, all the time?
KDDI announced that they would be launching their new CDMA2000 EV-DO mobile phone service with an unlimited data plan for about $40. EV-DO delivers speeds in the range of 300kbps - 2.4mbps, usually towards the lower end of that range, with occasional faster bursts, typically running about 7 or 8 times faster than a 56k dial-up modem. Factor in the ultra-fast bursts, and having a mobile device running on an EV-DO network is about as good of a bandwidth experience as having a basic home-broadband connection like DSL or a cable modem (give or take). Now, with KDDI announcing a $40 all-you-can-eat plan, it's price-comparable as well. The only problem is it's in Japan.
It's not that we don't have the technology available here. Verizon Wireless, the largest mobile phone provider in the U.S. just launched their own EV-DO network in San Diego and Washington D.C. as part of a hesitant nation-wide phased rollout. Recent tests have corroborated Verizon's claim to routinely deliver speeds between 300 and 500kbps. This kind of throughput would allow swift web browsing, email, streaming audio, and almost every other application one generally uses a home computer for. As the cameras bundled with mobile devices surge past the one megapixel mark and file sizes keep pace, uploading those bulky high-res images becomes an affair of mere seconds.
That is, of course, provided Verizon offered any mobile devices which ran on the service. Which they don't and won't for some time. The only way to use it currently is with a PC card that you plug into your laptop. They're targeting corporate users, plain and simple.
This really irks me. Not only does Verizon have the network in place, but they have established relationships with Audiovox/Curitel, LG, and Samsung, Korean handset manufacturers who have as much experience building devices for 3G networks as anyone (they're primary suppliers for SK Telecom's EV-DO service, claiming almost 2 million subscribers, with 28 handsets available for the service - one even from Motorola, an American company with strong ties to Verizon). From a technological or strategic-partner-relationship level, there's no impediment to introducing an EV-DO consumer-focused network here in the states. Yes, building out the infrastructure will take time, but one look at current coverage maps is all it takes to realize that blanketing the nation with ubiquitous service isn't their top priority; if they could get it up and running in the top 20 markets, it would be a sufficient start. And porting over foreign EV-DO devices is about as easy as re-flashing the ROM with a new OS and replacing the foreign keypad with an English one. If you don't mind a little linguistic confusion here and there, you don't even need to do that - you can import a phone right now from Korea if you want to pay a premium. Of course you could only use the data services in S.D. and D.C....
The real problem is that American carriers have no faith in consumer adoption. Instead of providing an advanced service and educating customers, current and potential, about its benefits in clear-cut, easy-to-understand terms, they hide behind euphemistic brands like "Get It Now" and show actors playing video-game bowling. Now there's a compelling application. It certainly blows the ability to check email, weather or movie show-times out of the water (all available on the same "Get It Now" service as bowling, but they chose to advertise bowling). The average American mobile consumer wants and understands more than just games. There's an infuriatingly myopic disconnect on the part of the people who are pitching these applications with those who are consuming them.
Here's an idea: roll out a true, nation-wide 3G service with the same EV-DO network you already have partially in place. Bring to market snazzy handsets that take advantage of the high speeds (lots of memory for downloads, high-res digicams for uploading oodles of pictures, advanced web browsers, BREW / J2ME support). Then price it competitively with home broadband. Pitch it as broadband, anywhere, anytime. People like broadband: they know it's fast and versatile. If they can get it all the time (and not just Get It Now) they might just decide to shell out $40 bucks a month. Just like mobile phones are slowly supplanting personal land-lines, the temptation of omnipresent data access will produce a similar effect. The technology exists, right this very second, and not just in the lab but the real world.
God, David Blaine, it must be so hard to be you, all malnourished and emaciated. You know, lots of people wind up looking like this to express ideological zealotry or as a consequence of horrific twists of fate, but you did it for the best reason of all: money. Way to cheapen the suffering of untold martyrs, you avaricious prick.
The MPAA has introduced a campaign intended to educate kids about "digital citizenship", called "What's the Diff? A Guide to Digital Citizenship". Read Copyfight's amusing reaction.
Remember in Tron when they ride around on light-bikes creating walls behind them, with the winner being the one who survives the longest without impacting? Now you and your friends can play by running around in a field and using GPS.
I've always maintained that Mother Teresa was undeserving of her stratospheric status, and now I find myself the rhetorical bedfellow of Christopher Hitchens (of which I have mixed feelings):
During the deliberations over the Second Vatican Council, under the stewardship of Pope John XXIII, MT was to the fore in opposing all suggestions of reform. What was needed, she maintained, was more work and more faith, not doctrinal revision. Her position was ultra-reactionary and fundamentalist even in orthodox Catholic terms. Believers are indeed enjoined to abhor and eschew abortion, but they are not required to affirm that abortion is "the greatest destroyer of peace," as MT fantastically asserted to a dumbfounded audience when receiving the Nobel Peace Prize. Believers are likewise enjoined to abhor and eschew divorce, but they are not required to insist that a ban on divorce and remarriage be a part of the state constitution, as MT demanded in a referendum in Ireland (which her side narrowly lost) in 1996.
An open letter to the man walking beside me this morning who spat insouciantly forward, not turning or lowering his head in the slightest, unconcerned that a south-westerly crosswind would propel a trailing mist towards me, causing small flecks of his saline spittle to thickly coat almost my entire face, an effect not unlike the salty spray of the Pacific Ocean caressing my visage whilst craning over a ship's bow during whale-watching trips as a young boy, save for the heightened risk of communicable disease:
Wireless technology could be the next 'boom'? No way! Next they'll be telling me that sheep can be cloned, or that television might embrace "reality" programming. Thank god the Berlin wall is still standing - at least I can count on something.
You know, someone really should start a company to take advantage of this boom.
I lost my umbrella. Part of my rationale for purchasing it was that I would be extra careful not to forget it, since I'd spent a comparatively large amount of money (for an umbrella). That obviously didn't work. All it did do was make me furious for several hours. My fury was exacerbated by two annoying factors: 1) I didn't discover that it was missing until this morning, but was able to deduce having lost it on Friday, which means two full days passed, rendering useless my attempts to track it down at any of the three potential establishments and 2) that particular make and color is currently unavailable, leaving me with a dilemma: do I switch color (choices include "hunter green" and "khaki") or model?
Worse yet, I'm not sure I've learned from my mistake. If I lose this next one, I'll go all Mt. St. Helens.
UPDATE: I found it! It was on my floor. I can't believe the extent to which I worked myself into a frenzy all over nothing. I am deeply flawed.
So China's become only the third nation (give or take, depending on whether or not you classify the U.S.S.R. and Russia as separate space organizations - which I do not, since the entire Russian program is only a continuation of its Soviet predecessor) to launch a human into orbit, and here's how it ranks on various news sites, as of 10/15/03, at 1:30pm:
cnn.com: third most prominent link bbc.com (world edition): second link bbc.com (uk edition): not even in top 9 headlines - considered an "Asia-Pacific" regional story nytimes.com: fourth link latimes.com: fifth link washingtonpost.com: not in top six headlines abcnews.com: 13th link (under an article entitled "Weight Watchers? Obese Staffers to Get Free Fat Trims") foxnews.com: ninth link
This upsets me. I can't believe the story of how Manute Bull is going to become the "world's tallest jockey" is anywhere near as important (it currently has a position of equal prominence on the bbc site).
Reporter: "Look! That 7'7" guy just got on a horse and raced it!"
Editor: "Wow, that's newsworthy! We have to make room for it somewhere... how about we demote this piece covering the culmination of decades of national achievement with broad scientific, political, and economic implications?"
Reporter: "I wouldn't have covered that to begin with. What year is this, 1970?"
Editor: "Yeah, what was I thinking? If today's sophisticated audiences crave hard-hitting stories about tall men riding horses, that's what they'll get!"
I'm astounded by how many people have Columbus day off. Floored, really. I don't really have an opinion as to whether it's a just or insensitive holiday... I'm merely upset that all these people don't have to work and I do.
But I guess that's what you gotta do to make things go off in this rap game.
Observation from this morning: some people, while pausing to allow their dogs to defecate/urinate in public, adopt a stance similar to the stance they themselves would have were they the ones doing their dirty business. Most of the tell-tale signs are there: nervous hunched shoulders, facing away from the flow of foot traffic, eyes darting back and forth, feet shuffling slightly. I saw one gentlemen this morning from behind and genuinely believed he was relieving himself on a tree (which I see more often than I'd like) until I saw the little rat-dog that was the true culprit.
:: The Inconceivably Trite Story of the Life of Dr. Eldred Q. Spanning, and its Relevance to Nothing in Particular
Dr. Spanning wore a bowler hat and sunglasses always. This behavior was not quite necessity - for the skies during his daily commute were overcast and the air usually temperate - and not quite affectation - for it matched, if anachronistically so, his work outfit of a three-piece suit, overcoat, and umbrella. His attire provoked a range of reactions, diverse with regards to the emotion expressed, but of relatively uniform magnitude. The good doctor took no heed; he was used to glares, gawks, stares and rubbernecking of every kind. No manner of dress would obviate that.
Spanning was a pilot by trade, and a damn good one: his talents had landed him a prime position as a R.A.F. squadron leader during the war. At the time it seemed to be a blessing but misfortune, taking the form of A.A. flak somewhere over Cologne, had other plans. It was the particularly bad luck of Dr. Spanning to fall plumb into the middle of an experimental Third Reich medical torture clinic.
Head restraints, a blindfold, and dangerous levels of morphine limited his perception of the events which followed to the auditory and olfactory: the grating buzz and acrid scent of a hack saw working all too well, the staccato snapping of bones, and the suckling crackle of sinews being pulled apart. Spanning was soon thrust into the oddest of situations: he found himself fused with a man-made construct normally associated with civil engineering. He was attached to a miniature suspension bridge, with one terminus secured to his shoulder joint and the other dangling out into the air, its trestles mimicking the outreached hand he once possessed in its stead. Minute replicas of automobiles and lorries passed along the multi-decked model roadway now hanging by his side. Spanning took this in stride, "I seem a bit congested," he quipped, before passing out for the umpteenth time from pain and exhaustion.
The flesh now meeting steel around his shoulder socket was sore and blistered at first, but began to heal nicely, as did his psyche, though scars remained until his final days. Good fortune supplanted misfortune, as the war ended and Spanning was freed from his monstrous captors before whatever denouement they had intended (sure to be nefarious) could manifest itself. Sadly his old arm, which had since been transformed into an ingenious rotary engine, was incinerated during the clinic's liberation. Revenge was not in his blood (which now contained considerably higher traces of iron) and he contented himself with abiding by the due process of war tribunals for any reparations.
The doctor was upon his return to Sussex dually burdened with the task of re-assimilating to civilian life during peace-time, as well as adjusting to his... uncommon bio-mechanical circumstances, to put it mildly. Months of deep emptiness and despair followed, and nary a full night passed free from psychic terrors and the haunting, ghostly pain of his long-lost limb. While his veteran comrades turned to heroin to quell their own inner demons, Spanning lacked the lush circulatory playground of his inner arm (for even though he possessed one of normal form and function, the bridge could not articulate well enough to perform the delicate task of injecting into the opposite appendage), and he considered the more dubious insertion spots to be beneath him (literally and socially). Not a moment too soon, a frightfully tormented night of soul-searching provided the answer: toffee.
Dr. Spanning went to school, got a PhD in chemical engineering, used it to create the best-tasting toffee in the history of man, started a confectionary empire (voted "Candy Baron" 12 years running), and settled down with a nice Hungarian woman named Eunice. He was a badass.
(Why did he wear the bowler hat and sunglasses all the time? Dude was crazy.)
Ok, there has to be someone who wants to accompany me to this on Saturday:
Live action video games by C-Level
Custom fighting games. On Friday, dress as a chicken and compete for
feed in Cockfight Arena. Audience volunteers donning custom-made game
controllers with wings and feathered helmets compete for blood and
birdfeed while inflicting on-screen bodily harm. No animals or humans are
injured in the process.
This performance is free. To participate call 212 255 5793 x 10.
Limited space.
On Saturday, get shocked during Tekken Torture. Willing participants
are wired into a modified Playstation (running Tekken III) which converts virtual on-screen damage into bracing, non-lethal, electric shocks.
The Kitchen
512 West 19th Street, Manhattan
8-11p; $free
212 255 5793
If you had asked me this morning whether or not I would be attending a Radiohead concert this evening, I would have said no. That prediction would have turned out to be false, though at the time I never would have guessed it.
Interesting. If any digital work can be translated into a song, and any song is protected under a compulsory licensing scheme, then all digital works are protected by that scheme. The IP repercussions for all this P2P brou-ha-ha could be farther reaching than expected.
It's Nobel prize week! Follow the drama every day on the official site.
We all know the vast majority of nominees aren't in it for the money, but I just thought I'd point out that since 2001 the winners in all six categories (Physics, Chemistry, Physiology or Medicine, Literature, Economics, and Peace) each receive 10m SEK, which comes to about $1.3 million (joint recipients split the purse). This hasn't always been the case [see chart here], but it's good to know that deserving people are now receiving awards more commensurate with their contributions than before. Of course it's just icing on the cake for Stanley B. Prusiner, since he signed that lucrative endorsement deal with Adidas.
When you come down to it, all of mankind can be delineated through a simple distinction: do you side with LL Cool J, or Chuck D? I'm going with the latter on this one. I can hear the new version of 'Black Steel In The Hour Of Chaos' now: "I got a letter from the RIAA the other day..."
