:: Rain of terror ::

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

I really thought about mugging the man standing next to me on the subway this morning for his umbrella. It was clearly of exquisite craftsmanship and far superior to mine in several aspects. The matte-grey finish of his handle seemed to mock the gaudy black sheen of mine in the manner that old money scoffs at the nouveau-riche, dismissing its very existence as adventitious and irrelevant. Each raindrop proved a shimmering pearl of strident distain and elitist contempt; smug reminders my device’s inferior water-repellency. Each inner joint of his skeletal metal framework appeared complex, elegant, and sturdy. Mine were visibly warped and anemic, if still attached at all.

I began to undergo the mental wrestling match which every man or woman must endure in this situation: should I let the man be, or snap my sweatshop-crafted umbrella shaft in two, forming a makeshift shiv in the process, let loose an ululant shriek, skewer my adversary through the abdomen (making sure to penetrate one or more of the following vital organs: the liver, the pancreas, the kidney - twisting whilst thrusting for maximum penetration), and take advantage of his shock to snatch the aristocratic accessory causing my anguish from his now-tense, but terror-weakened, hands, timing my assault perfectly as to facilitate an expedient exit as the car halts at 34th st / Penn Station?

I chose the former. I am a disgrace to the bourgeois (but I make a mean quesadilla).

Posted by morland @ 11:49 AM

:: Comments ::

thats a severe case of umbrella-envy.

i'd get help if i were you. which is just as scary to think about.

Posted by: the guy who lives in vail on April 10, 2003 12:21 PM

I say. This is a most troubling admission on the part of Mr. Morland. Being the man of class and honor that I am, I of course cannot ignore such threats. If I see you again, Mr. Orland, rest assured - you will feel the wrath of my umbrella as it viciously penetrates your rectum, spewing forth feces into your peritoneal cavity.

Posted by: Man with the nice umbrella on April 10, 2003 11:26 PM

hmmm...sounds like the work of a nerdy med student.

Posted by: josh on April 10, 2003 11:58 PM

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