:: The giving daylights ::

Monday, February 10, 2003

There's a scene in "The Living Daylights" where Timothy Dalton (James Bond Dark) and his cohort slide down a snowy mountainside on a Stratavarius cello, dodging bullets and alpine vegetation, whilst using the bow as a crude rudder of sorts. Now any red-blooded American boy has ridden down an icy slope on lunch trays and garbage can lids, but compared to Timmy D's brash and wily repurposing of the "Lady Rose", these exploits seem a bit pedestrian. We here at "Morland the Blog" were inspired to experiment: how would other objects, ostensibly bereft of any tobogganing capability, fare when placed in similar circumstances? While devoid of the spontaneity shown by Bond (which some may argue is the crux of his whole glib endeavor), we hoped to ensure a comparably comical "fish out of water" result by utilizing a broad range of items, which may or may not have plausibly fit in with the context of the aforementioned film.

After a rigorous scouting process, we selected Eaglecrest, just outside Juneau, Alaska as the test site. We felt this best approximated the heavily-forested wilds of rural Austria, while "taking it up a notch" with regards to the frigid climate. Not willing to sacrifice the element of human danger, we hired Ted Nugent and his personal arsenal to take aim at our testers, hoping to replicate the adrenaline-laden energy of the analogous sequence in TLD.

Testing consisted of a series of runs down blue, double-black, and wilderness trails, punctuated by breaks for lunch and/or espresso. Items were graded on an "A through F" scale in the following categories: speed, stability, agility/ease of navigation, durability, kitsch factor, reaction to bullets, and smell.

With no further ado, let's examine the results:

Chuck Woolery

Speed: A-
Stability: B-
A / EoN: C-
Durability: F
K.F.: A+
R2B: C
Smell: B

Chuck had certain criteria down pat (totally decimated career + 60's game show host = unbeatable kitsch value), but the ice-packed snow began to chafe and flay Woolery's frostbitten flesh soon after the first few runs down the slopes, causing a stochastic inconsistency of surface - we never knew what to expect! This made him almost intolerably difficult to ride. Furthermore, while still conscious (the first two runs), Woolery reacted aversely to the Nuge's veritable hailstorm of rifle rounds, arrowheads, and shotgun pellets by constantly whining and complaining that such treatment "wasn't in [his] contract!" One unforeseen benefit of this was that the ball-gag used to silence him doubled as a convenient steering grip.

The state of Alabama

Speed: D
Stability: A-
A / EoN: F
Durability: D+
K.F.: A-
R2B: A
Smell: C-

While some may consider the inclusion of Alabama in any competition to be anathema, we found it a formidable asset. Its verdant, swampy marshlands and gun-obsessed denizens provided great cover from Nugent's suppressing fire, and its sizable footprint resulted in a highly stable mode of transportation. And who needs maneuverability when you can coast down the slopes in the comparative luxury of Birmingham or Mobile (compared to Woolery's back, it's like Xanadu)? Unfortunately, and we're going to be frank here, the rank petrochemical odor and sloth-like pace really hurt Bama's chances. Durability was also an issue: after several breakdowns, we just decided to rest it on some cinder blocks and put it out in the front yard.

The loaded nuclear missile tubes of the fictitious Soviet submarine Red October

Speed: A
Stability: A-
A / EoN: B
Durability: A
K.F.: C
R2B: F
Smell: B

Properly waxed, we found the loaded nuclear missile tubes of the fictitious Soviet submarine Red October (immortalized in the Tom Clancy film "The Hunt for Red October" as well as the eponymous novel) to be a blast. Racing down the mountain on these highly combustible, yet durable titanium cones afforded us the headache-inducing adrenaline rush we were craving from the start. The sterile odor of communist disinfectant wasn't all that displeasing to the nostrils, although the bleak and oppressive aesthetic prevalent throughout really ruined any potential for kitsch. One major drawback proved to be the incendiary combination of copious amounts of missile fuel and 5 megaton nuclear warheads with the laser-like accuracy of Mr. Nugent. Another Bond, one Mr. Sean Connery, hit the nail on the head when he noted that "some things in here don't react well to bullets."

80's retro-cachet

Speed: A
Stability: B
A / EoN: B+
Durability: D-
K.F.: A
R2B: A
Smell: C

With all the talk of the 80's recent resurgence back into the mainstream, we thought it'd be rad to wrap ourselves up in "me" decade nostalgia and see how it fared on the slopes. Wallowing in mounds upon mounds of uncut Columbian cocaine must have really prepared 80's retro-cachet for white powder of a different nature, because it took to the slopes like a fish (called Wanda?) to water. Thanks to K.I.T.T. (the car from "Knight Rider") and his molecularly-bonded shell, 80's retro-cachet scored high on both the K.F. and R2B scales. This venerable hit-parade did have its Achilles heel however: durability. Sadly, the inherently cyclical flash-in-a-pan nature of retro-chic means before you can say Eric Estrada, any warped sense of individualism or identity derived from co-opting this bygone era will vanish under your feet. That's perfect (by definition) for a trend, but lousy when you're hurtling down 1100 vertical feet of backwoods terrain at a 12% grade. Another less than stellar showing involved the smell, which kind of resembled Ronald Reagan's aftershave, and made us nauseated.

Your favorite teddy bear

Speed: F
Stability: F
A / EoN: F
Durability: F
K.F.: F
R2B: F
Smell: F

We tried really hard, but honestly we just couldn't find a more useless piece of cloying tripe than your favorite teddy bear from your childhood. It was slow, unstable, hard to steer, fell apart in seconds, was way too full of sincere sentimental value to be kitschy, couldn't take a punch - let alone a bullet - and smelt like it had been cooped up in your mother's basement for twenty years (which it had). Basically, your favorite teddy bear sucked ass.

A giant spork

Speed: A-
Stability: B-
A / EoN: B+
Durability: B+
K.F.: B
R2B: B
Smell: A

Who knew riding a giant spork down a steep, snow-covered incline under the duress of gunfire could be so enjoyable? The clear winner - Dalton would be proud.

Posted by morland @ 10:33 PM

:: Comments ::

I always thought the single most useful piece of equipment to have was a towel. Now I see that I am wrong. Thank you for correcting my erroneous beliefs.

Posted by: #47 on February 11, 2003 09:26 AM

you're a wierd dude. by the way, i really liked the voyager link. very strange.

Posted by: jason on February 12, 2003 05:04 PM

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